Anticipation

Have you ever received bad news that you wanted to blog about yet putting the words in writing for some reason made it seem more real than you would like? I know it may seem silly but for a little over a week now I have been really struggling with this. Many of you, especially my followers are twitter, knew Gab went in for her big test on the 11th of December and have been waiting for me to post the results. I have briefly posted tweets about what happened and even took the time to upload the video from that day and put together a vlog... just not post it. I have such a hard time putting myself out there, so to say. Writing my feelings on such a sensitive subject makes me feel somewhat vulnerable and I DON'T like to feel vulnerable ;) To better explain myself, I guess I am one of those people who would rather hold it in than feel as if I am throwing a self pity party, no matter what the circumstance is. I am sure this is all my own perspective on the situation and probably the real truth behind my subconscious is that I just don't want to type out the results or talk about it with many people b/c DANG IT, I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT! Putting it all out there is allowing myself to admit it is real. I remember last year when Gab went into the hospital to have brain surgery I created an awesome site for her. I sent it out to everyone who was in contact with us including family, friends, co-workers and they each sent it on to someone else. There were so many people commenting and reading her story it was great. We received plenty of comments sending along prayers and people saying they were touched by reading Gab's progress and seeing all the photos I would post. Shortly after she started having problems in the hospital I quit updating. I was going through so much that writing about it at that time was not something I could do. It was depressing enough to watch my daughter go through all of it but to put it into words was even more difficult. I look back now and wish I would have continued with her site. Many people throughout the past year have asked how things went and what happened. Family and friends miss seeing all the photos... So now even though it has been over a week, I am determined to pull my head out of the sand, try to fight the depression, have a little faith and publish this post!

I also won an awesome FLIP video camera from Katja, in one of her blog giveaways, to whom I owe a vlog post. So here you go with my very first vlog!

{Without further adieu}
Gabby's video update.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

For those of you with a million questions... I know the video was vague for someone who hasn't known us for a year or doesn't know the whole story behind Gab's surgery. I will do my best to sum it up. Gab had a stroke during utero and therefore was born with Cerebral Palsy. At nine months old she started having seizures. With the help of steroid shots, seizure medication and lots of therapy we had been able to keep her healthy and active until she was about 4. Her seizures at this point became monthly, weekly and then daily. Since she had brain damage caused by the stroke her epilepsy was only going to get worse. The Neurosurgeon informed me we had to do surgery to remove the abnormal brain tissue in order to stop the seizures, the convulsions were lasting 20 minutes each time and she could no longer even go to school. The surgeon believed if we did not remove the left side of the brain (which was the damaged part) then eventually her right side (good side) would suffer stress and start having seizures as well. Once he approached me about surgery it was scheduled within two weeks. Since we did not know if she would walk or talk after surgery the Make-a-Wish foundation sent us to Disney World for the first week before surgery. She was a little over 5 1/2 years old when she had the first brain surgery. The whole process did not go as the doctor wished and she developed infections in the blood stream which kept us in the hospital for over four months straight. The end result was the removal of the left side of her brain. We were not able to have an EEG to see the results of surgery until December 11th of this year, one year after her final surgery. They had to allow the brain a year to heal to show an accurate EEG test without the stress in the brain waves from surgery. She has continued seizure medication everyday since surgery. During this recent test we hoped for the best results, a completely clear EEG so we could stop meds. Unfortunately what the doctor was trying to avoid from happening, happened. The seizure activity has now moved to the right side of the brain. There is nothing left for the doctors to do except continue her on medication. Since she is now only 6 years old and already tried many medications we can only hope for the best. She only has half a brain left and really can't afford for the seizures to cause much more damage. Within the past month I have seen at least two episodes of seizure activity which really scares me. This test meant a lot to us and the end results were supposed to make us feel like everything we have been through was worth it. It was supposed to be a sign that things were getting better and hopefully one day soon I could work outside of the home again and stop all the crazy appointments that we have weekly. Apparently that is not in the cards for me at this time. I am trying to keep up my spirits and hope that my working from home will perk up to become more successful soon. Did you hear about Tom Cruise's daughter Suri and her Ladybug Shoes on Oprah? Well reading the post on Katja's blog has really given me hope that something BIG can happen to a work from home mother who blogs.

Happy Holidays!

Hits Home

Wow, where to start. I have to admit I have kept all my blog posts pretty light hearted so far and this one is going to be deep. For all of you bloggers out there, have you ever thought about writing a post and almost written a post, yet didn't? Maybe since I am still fairly new to the blogosphere and have not completely cracked out of my shell, it is still hard. Hard to just put it all out there.

Last Thursday I had a blog post I was going to submit that again was very light hearted, witty and carefree. I stopped from submitting it because I ended up having other things on my mind. My friend Teri from Sweet Surprises By Teri called me up from our local children's hospital to inform me that her son who just turned three last Monday has a brain tumor. *Sigh* They took him into surgery first thing Friday morning to remove the tumor. Teri is a very good friend of mine who I met through Noah's Ark Animal Workshop which I started once I found out my daughter was having brain surgery last year. I knew then I would have to stay at home. Teri does other businesses as well so when I opened my store this month she actually created my business tags, coupons and other marketing materials for me. She is truly GREAT! Teri has a four year old son as well that she takes care of full time. This news was devastating, to say the least. Johnathon (Teri's three year old) had not been feeling well for about a month now. He had been stumbling, throwing up, complaining of headaches, etc. First the doc said he had the flu, then it was 'oh he is a typical three year old who is just off balance' whatever like Teri wouldn't know if her son was usually off balance. I mean come on, I know little ones take time learning balance but do they learn it then lose it again right before they turn three? A mother knows when something is wrong. So of course after a few weeks of worrying Teri finally had enough and demanded a scan be done. Sure enough, tumor! Now we talked over the weeks about him not feeling well and even though I could hear in Teri's voice that something was wrong, I NEVER thought tumor. That night I couldn't sleep. I was worried. No, I was scared to death for Teri. I know you are thinking, for Teri?! Don't you mean Johnathon... Yes I was worried about Johnathon of course but for me this was like re-living my daughter's surgery last year. I know what I went through and never wanted anyone to go through that. Of course for those of you who don't know, Gab's surgery and Johnathon's were completely different. Gab did not have a tumor.

A quick recap: Gab had a stroke when she was in utero and was born with Cerebral Palsy, then came Epilepsy, mood disorder and ADHD. For years we had done medication to control her seizures and therapy to help with her CP but last year her seizures got out of control. They were causing brain damage and were happening daily. The neurologist said the only way to stop them was to remove part of her brain. So I, like Teri, had to go through all the warnings of the surgery. Gab had the whole left side removed so we were not sure if she would talk, walk or ever wake up the same, again. The wonderful Make-a-Wish Foundation sent us to Disney World before her surgery, another great story for another day.

Back on track. So I knew the neurosurgeons working on Johnathon and also know there are many wonderful people praying for him. I couldn't stop worrying about Teri. I was so afraid that she would go through what I did. Not knowing what would happen come surgery, not knowing if Johnathon would wake up and know who she was. That feeling never goes away. You can push it down and try to clear the image from your mind but it's there, forever. I went to the hospital during the day Friday to sit with Teri while Johnathon was in surgery. I was not able to stay the whole day due to picking up kids from school. But the little time I was there, seeing Teri with her swollen eyes and worried looks, just broke my heart. The memories of sitting in that surgery waiting room, the same smell, the same lights and sounds... The same fear. The fear of losing your child. The feeling of no control. The anticipation to hear everything went okay, to see your child and to know they are the same. Words truly can't describe it. I was so nervous yet hopeful! When Gab went into the hospital for surgery she was supposed to be in and out in two weeks, well let's say FOUR MONTHS. When she woke up from surgery she knew no one. That night she cried for her mommy and when I went to her side eagerly, knowing she said my name, she did not know me. At one point she asked me to go get her mommy. *Sigh of broken heart* All I kept thinking and feeling last Thursday night and Friday were those same exact feelings again. Scared to death that Teri would have to feel that. Thank God that afternoon when Johnathon came out of surgery he was himself and he knew his parents. YAY! That was so important for me to hear. Unfortunately his tumor was cancer and their hospital road is not yet over. Although they will be able to go home within the next few days, soon they will start the chemo and radiation process. Something I was fortunate to know nothing about.
*Please pray*

Now a year ago when Gab was going through all this I created her a web page to inform family and friends of her progress throughout the surgeries. I created it at Sampa which was great for us. We were able to password protect it and all. I have a ton of photos and stories to go along. Unfortunately I did not continue keeping it updated against popular demand. The difficult times were hard enough for me to manage, writing about it was overwhelming. I believe I am ready now to finish the story. So I would like advice. Should I go back to Sampa and redo her old site or create a blog here? I read how I can make it private for only readers I add, yet they have to create a login. Has anyone done this? It might be easier to have both blogs in the same location. If the readers are required to have a login at either place then would it matter? Advice appreciated.